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CHAPTER 6: The Great Pumpkin
 By Jim Caple |
Previously at 24 College Avenue: Nicollette Mayle, former sprinter for State
College, tested positive for steroids at a Paris track meet during the summer. She
returned home and moved out of 24 College Avenue at the urging of her roommate,
medical student Cheryl Blackburn. Cheryl wanted to move out because her
ex-boyfriend, Kenan Hill, had slept with and impregnated -- housemate Jenn
Robbin. That started a flood of departures, leaving only Josh Williams and Steve
Hamilton in the house. . . .
After so much time away, Nicollette felt at home again at 24 College Avenue, even if
it was only as a guest a Halloween party.
She laughed at the memory of the disastrous costume party the housemates had held
the previous autumn, when everyone was supposed to come dressed as their favorite
sexual fetish. That party had ended with Nicollette, dressed as a dominatrix,
cracking a whip across the back of a housemate while the fire department rushed
through the door and the landlord threatened to evict them all. Nicolette's
costume was far more conservative this party; she wore a Carnivale mask and a black
cape to avoid drawing attention to herself. Far too much attention had been paid to
her ever since mid-summer when the Wide Wide World Anti-Steroid Police had announced
that she tested positive for steroids.
As much as Nicollette felt in the spotlight because of the steroid accusations and
scrutiny, those past months were lonely ones. Cheryl stuck by her, of course, but
then, she had little choice but to do so now that they were sharing an apartment
together. John Higgins kept Nicollette up to date on what was happening with her
appeal of the WWWASP test results, calling a couple times a week from his office at
Athena sports. And Josh never wavered in his support, either, though even he had
stopped calling and text-messaging her as often as in the past. He apparently was
still in love with that Magdalena girl he met in Prague during the summer when he
was in Europe as a tour guide. Josh's crush on Nicollette had always been a little
irritating but it also was reassuring and she couldn't help feeling a little
jealous of this Magdalena.
Other than that, however, she had few friends these days. Everyone she met on campus
treated her politely, but no more than that. Nicollette could tell that they
didn't believe her when she insisted on her innocence. State College, exhausted by
last year's steroid scandal with Kenan and the football team, had already
convicted her. The students were no different from the faculty; they wanted her off
campus as well.
Which was why it felt so good to be back at the old house, surrounded by her old
friends. She could hardly believe Jenn, nearly eight months pregnant and looking
positively radiant, concealing her pregnancy somewhat by wearing a bedsheet as a
ghost. It was good even to see Danny (dressed as the Maytag Repairman), especially
now that he showered daily, though she doubted his pledge to clean up the rest of
his life would last long.
Making her way past Darth Vader and Harry Potter playing beer pong against Elvis and
Captain Jack Sparrow, Nicollette left the living room and wandered over to the
staircase. She put her hand on the big round knob at the end of the rail the one
that always reminded her of the one in It's a Wonderful Life and
gazed up to her old floor. She enjoyed the new apartment but she also had such fond
memories of the room she and Cheryl had shared on the second floor. Without even
being aware of what she was doing, Nicollette began climbing the stairs. Within
moments she was back peering in her old room and was greeted by the sight of Josh
dressed as Charlie Brown from the Great Pumpkin cartoon wearing a bedsheet with
too many holes cut into it and carrying a back of rocks.
The sight of Josh in her old room shocked Nicollette a bit until she remembered that
it was his room now, which was a little creepy. Jose wasn't a lurkball by any
means but Nicollette still didn't want to think about what he might do in the room
late at night. Of course, the better question is what he had done to the room,
period. It looked as if it had been the scene of a fire, which Nicollette quickly
recalled was exactly the case. State College police had shot a tear gas canister
through the window the beautiful bay window Nicollette loved so dearly and
started a fire during the riot after the loss to the University of San Marco
football team. She sniffed. There still was just the faintest whiff of tear gas in
the room.
Hey, Nicollette, Josh called to her. Welcome to ground zero.
Hi, Josh, she replied. I love what you've done with the place.
Thanks. The smell of smoldering wood and tear gas adds needed masculinity to the
place, don't you think?
Nicollette laughed. Is that what the girls say when you lure them in here?
Josh was talking to some guy dressed as Alfred Hitchcock. He smiled at Nicollette
and gestured toward her cup. What kind of beer you drinking there,
neighbor? he asked. (1)
Heineken.
Heineken? Hitchcock guy snapped. F@#$ that s@#$! Pabst Blue
Ribbon! (2)
Excuse me? Nicollette furrowed her brow and turned to Josh for help.
What the hell is wrong with this guy?
Don't mind him. This is Paul Fairhaven. One of the new housemates. He must be
reciting a line from a movie. He only speaks in movie quotes.
Only in movie quotes? He never utters an original sentence?
It's pretty amazing. He's got one for every occasion. He's usually pretty
funny but occasionally like now -- it's just mystifying what movie he's
quoting. What was that one you laid on me the other night when I was talking to you
about how it sucks being so far away from Magdalena?
Fairhaven raised his index finger to indicate he needed a moment, then grabbed a pen
and notebook from Josh's cluttered desk. He scribbled onto it quickly and showed
it to Josh and Nicollette. It read: Love is the blackest of plagues. (3)
That's the one, Josh said. That sums up love pretty good, doesn't
it?
Maybe. But why did he write it down? Why not say it?
It must be from a foreign movie, Josh explained. Fairhaven just writes
out sub-titles for those.
Nicollette looked at Fairhaven with a mixture of respect, amusement and bafflement.
What kind of mind could memorize and categorize so many quotes for instant recall?
Just how many movies did he have to see, anyway? And was there an original thought
somewhere in that head or was he just some sort of human DVD player? Oh, well. At
least it was good to see the new housemates were carrying on the 24 College Avenue
tradition of distinctive personalities.
Mmmmm. Pussy Galore I presume?
This line did not come from Fairhaven. Nicollette turned around to the door and saw
a middle-aged guy wearing a tuxedo and a sleazy smile. He held a toy pistol in his
hand and slouched against the doorframe in a sad attempt to look debonair. It
didn't work. He instead looked like a penguin with a bad case gas, and not only
because of the tuxedo his physique was positively penguin-like. Nonetheless, he
continued to leer at Nicollette.
Excuse me?
Bonds. James Bond, the man said, straightening up and offering her his
hand. She returned the gesture with a look that could have come from a customs
official meeting a traveler from Iran.
Ummm, this is another housemate, Josh broke in. Edison Murrow. He's a
45-year-old computer programmer.
And you're living here because? Nicollette asked.
My wife threw me out of the house, Murrow replied. We're going through
a rough patch.
I'm not surprised.
Murrow wasn't fazed. The reason he had moved into a house near campus was for the
opportunity to meet beautiful young co-eds like Nicollette and he wasn't put off
easily. His wife, he knew, was wrong -- he still was a hell of a catch. He was still
young, financially well-off and he had lost two pounds since moving into the house.
And contrary to what his wife said, his hairline hadn't receded that much (though
maybe he should get the plugs he was considering). What girl wouldn't be swept
away by his charm and his 1967 red Mustang convertible?
He clasped his hands across his heart as if in pain. Ouch. Your words are a
dagger to my heart. But you don't expect me to give up that easily with a girl as
beautiful as you?
Oh, no Mr. Bond, Fairhaven broke in. I expect you to die. (4)
Fairhaven and Bond laughed at the movie quote and Nicollette stared in disbelief.
Maybe it was best she wasn't living in the house after all. It definitely was time
to go find Cheryl downstairs, though.
Nicollette nodded to Josh and began backing her way out of the room only to bump
into Paris Hilton in the hallway. Or at least someone dressed like her, complete
with a plunging v-necked top, exposed navel, pink mini-skirt, Ugg boots and most
impressively, a pet Chihauhau cradled in her arm.
Oh, wow, Nicollette said. Good show. That's the best costume I've
seen all night. You've really got that bitch down.
Excuse me, I've got WHAT down? the girl snapped. And why is it that
everyone is dressed so ridiculously? I return from a visit home and find the house
filled with strangers dressed so shabbily that it's like there's a costume
party. She rubbed the Chihauhau under its neck. Look at this poor girl,
Tinkerbell. I mean, really. A cape? In October? Where do these independents shop
anyway?
Nicollette opened her mouth but didn't know what to say. Was the girl putting her
on or was she serious?
Ummm, let me introduce you to Mandy Stevenson, Nicollette, Josh said,
rushing to the hallway. She moved into Jenn's old room. You've seen her
she's one of the Red Devil Hotties.
The mention of Nicollette's name registered with Mandy. Is this the famous
Nicollette? The sprinter ‘slash' stripper I've heard so much about? she
said, studying Nicollette. But you have clothes on. I thought you simply ran
around in your little bra and panties. Or do you need to cover up the acne on your
back from all the steroids?
That was it. The months of steroid accusations and jokes that Nicollette had done
her best to both fight and ignore finally boiled up and exploded in a fury. To
listen to all the crap from the WWWASP lawyers, State College official and reporters
was bad enough but she was damned if she was going to let some peroxide blonde
cheerleader insult her as well. Nicollette grabbed Mandy's hair and tackled her
into the corner, sending the Chihauhau flying toward the stairway.
The dog would no doubt have broken several bones (or its neck) had Danny not been
fortuitously walking up the steps with Steve at that instant. As the dog flew toward
him, Danny dropped his two beers and reached up instinctively, catching the canine
in his hands just before it crashed into his face. He held the dog in his hands,
studying it with wonder, and the Chihauhau stuck out its tongue and licked him on
the lips. @&#$! he yelled and dropped the dog, which raced barking to the
corner where Nicollette had Mandy securely pinned to the carpet.
I don't hear any cheap cracks from you anymore, girl! Nicollette shouted
into Mandy's face. What's the matter? Can't get up? Am I too strong because
of my steroids?
DAMN, JOSH! Danny yelled. I NEVER WOULD HAVE MOVED OUT IF I KNEW THIS
WENT ON HERE ALL THE TIME!
Nice timing, Danny, Josh said. C'mon. Help me break this up will
you?
WHY WOULD I WANT TO BREAK IT UP? I SHOULD BE GETTING SOME OLIVE OIL!
I'll get you, my pretty, Fairhaven yelled toward the wrestling women,
and you're little dog, too! (5)
Before the situation could grow completely out of control, Nicollette returned to
her senses. What the hell was she doing? Sure, she was upset. Yes, Mandy was way out
of line. But that didn't give her any excuse to attack the poor girl.
C'mon, Nicollette, Josh said, placing his hand on Nicollette's
shoulder. Let Mandy up.
Embarrassed, she swatted his hand away and rolled off Mandy. The cheerleader coughed
a couple times, sat up and swept the Chihauhau up in her arms.
I'm sorry, Nicollette said. I don't know what came over me.
I think the term is ‘roid rage, Mandy said. You better not have hurt
my Tinkerbell, you chemical slut. She stomped into her room and slammed the
door behind her.
Nobody puts baby in a corner! Fairhaven said. (6)
Nicollette stared at Fairhaven, who shrugged his shoulders. Does he ever
stop? she asked.
No, Steve said with a friendly smile. And what about you? Do you ever
NOT get in a fight at our costume parties?
Nicolllette smiled back and chuckled. It is kind of a tradition isn't it?
She stood up. Well, I think I'm going to go find Cheryl before I embarrass
myself anymore.
She started to go, only to see Jenn gripping the rail of the stairs as she slowly
climbed them.
Jenn, what's wrong? she asked.
Jenn looked up at Nicollette with almost no recognition. Her face was nearly as
white as the bedsheet ghost costume she wore. I think . . . I think . . . I'm
having the baby.
But you're not due for more than a month, Josh said, his voice rising a
little with panic. Are you sure?
No. The only thing I'm sure of is that I don't feel very good down
there. Jenn felt a sudden painful cramp and put her right hand on her abdomen.
Wincing in pain, she slowly eased herself to the floor. Josh and Nicollette rushed
to her side.
Lordse, we got to have a doctor, Fairhaven wailed. I don't know nothin'
'bout birthin' babies! (7)
Nicollette shot a dagger into Fairhaven. That definitely wasn't funny, guy.
Josh, go get Cheryl! He nodded and dashed off.
You're going to be all right, Jenn, Nicollette said, kneeling beside her
former housemate. Josh is going to get Cheryl and we'll take care of
this.
Cheryl? Jenn asked. Not Cheryl. She's still mad about all this.
No, she's not. She told me. She knows she was wrong. Didn't you get her
email? She showed me the one she sent you.
Did she? Jenn said weakly. I can't remember right now. Oh, God,
Nicollette it hurts like hell.
Just then, Josh returned with Cheryl. Here we are Jenn, you're going to be
fine.
Cheryl kneeled beside Jenn and took her hand. It's gonna be all right, honey.
Your old housemate Cheryl is here for you. Everything is gonna be just fine.
God, Cheryl thought, I hope it's going to be fine. I'm just a second-year
medical student, just happy that the workload had diminished a little from the first
year. I'm nowhere near ready for an emergency delivery.
Cheryl? Jenn said, wiping a tear from her eye. I'm sorry. I
shouldn't have slept with Kenan. I knew you still had feelings for him but I felt
so lonely that night. We both did. And look what happened. She shuddered and
started crying.
Cheryl gripped Jenn's hand tighter. Listen, girl. You've got nothing to
apologize for. I was wrong. I never should have moved out. I never should have made
you feel bad. But it's gonna be fine now. We've got time. We'll get someone to
drive you to the hospital and everything will be just fine.
But it hurts so bad, Cheryl, Jenn cried, wincing. It's not supposed to
hurt so much already is it?
Cheryl looked down and for the first time noticed a red stain spreading across the
bedsheet Jenn was wearing. She looked into her eyes and felt for her pulse. She
swung around behind Jenn and gently took hold of her head, cradling it within her
arms.
Someone call 911! she yelled. We need an ambulance here
immediately.
To be continued
Want to know what movies Paul Fairhaven is referencing? Here they are in order from
this week's installment. Do you prefer identifying them this way or would you
rather have me figure them out for yourselves?
(1) Frank Booth in Blue Velvet
(2) Ibid.
(3) Jons in The Seventh Seal
(4) Goldfinger in Goldfinger
(5) The Wicked Witch of the West in The Wizard of Oz
(6) Johnny in Dirty Dancing
(7) Prissy in Gone With the Wind
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