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Chapter 26: I Am a Camera
 By Jim Caple |
Previously at 24 College Avenue: Given access to an incredible supply of security camera, camera phone, email and Internet records, film student Paul Fairhaven – the housemate who speaks only in movie quotes -- put together a documentary for State College professor Ken Moore, who is teaching a course on dwindling privacy and increasing surveillance in American society. Or was Moore using it for something else? Meanwhile, virtually all of the current and former house residents have been arrested on suspicions of being part of a terrorist cell. The house itself has been condemned to make way for an urban renewal project called College World. . . .
Josh walked up the steps to the porch and ripped the notice from the front door.
“Resident:
“This is your fifth and final notice. As allowed by city code 214.78, your property has been condemned and you must vacate within 24 hours. If you fail to do so, you will be subject to arrest and a $10,000 fine.’’
“Great,’’ Josh said, kicking open the door. “This is just $@#&ing great.’’
Josh stomped inside and angrily tossed his book bag onto the floor, then flopped on the sofa in the living room. He put his head in his hands and cursed under his breath. Paul Fairhaven walked into the living room, carrying his laptop under his arm. He looked at Josh and sat down in the beanbag chair opposite him.
“What’s the problem, Walter?” (1)
Josh looked up. After living with Fairhaven for nine months, he was used to being called whatever name happened to fit into the line from whatever movie the film student was quoting. But he really didn’t have the patience this time.
“What’s the problem? The problem, Paul, is they’re going to bring in a big $@#&ing wrecking ball and knock down this house tomorrow. And if we’re not gone, they’re going to throw us in jail. That’s the problem. You got some quote to cover jail, Mr. Spielberg?’’
A big grin spread across Fairhaven’s face. Did he have a quote to cover a possible jail sentence? Of course he did. He had a quote for every situation. The question was only a matter of which one. “This isn't Riyadh,’’ he said. “You know they’re not gonna saw your hands off here, alright? The worst they would ever do is they would put you for a couple of months into a white-collar, minimum-security resort! $@#&, we should be so lucky! Do you know, they have conjugal visits there?’’ (2)
Josh tossed the eviction notice at Fairhaven.
“Well, at least if they arrest us, we’d be with our friends. That’s because Nicollette, Steve, Jenn, Mandy, Bonzi, Keenan and Jill are already in jail facing some bogus charges. And it’s all because that SOB Taylor Stewart, that lousy little rat tent monitor in Jimmy City, was spying on the house, probably trying to get a peek at Mandy in her underwear. Or maybe he wanted to see Gig Harbor in the shower, for all I know. Anyway, he got all suspicious and reported us to the Department of Homefront Protection. They had the house under surveillance for months and they have some sort of video documenting life in the house. It’s multi-media and everything is in it, including email and Internet records.
“Remember that guy who picked me up when we ran out of gas going to the X-Treme Bowl? The nut who said everything we do is being watched by someone? Turns out he wasn’t paranoid, he was right! Everything we do IS being recorded! I just wonder how the hell they got the video from inside our house.’’
Fairhaven smiled proudly and motioned to Josh to take a look at his laptop. He called up a file and Josh watched a video pop up on the screen. It was a shot of Josh sitting at his desk, reading a book and picking his nose.
“Fifty bucks says the Smails kid picks his nose,’’ Fairhaven said. (3)
A look of realization, horror and betrayal crept over Josh’s face. “You mean you did it? You took all the video? I thought that was for a class project! And how the hell did you get all that other stuff? Someone with the university or the government had to give it to you.’’
Fairhaven nodded. “Why if I had half a chance, I could make an entire movie using this stock footage. The story opens on these mysterious explosions. Nobody knows what's causing them, but it's upsetting all the buffalo. So, the military are called in to solve the mystery.’’(4)
Josh just stared at Fairhaven as if he had spoken in Swahili. “I don’t know what the hell movie that’s from and I don’t care,’’ he said finally. “Will you PLEASE stop talking in movie quotes? Can’t you see what you’ve done? What possessed you to do this to your friends?’’
“A black dude who plays a slave that gets his ass whipped gets the Oscar nomination, a white guy who plays an idiot gets the Oscar. That what I need. I need to play a retarded slave, then I’ll get the Oscar.’’ (5)
Fairhaven would have continued but he never got the chance. Josh punched him in the face, knocking him to the floor.
“Shut up! Just shut the $@#& up!’’ Josh shouted, standing above Fairhaven like Muhammad Ali posed over Sonny Liston. He rubbed his fist and started pacing frantically around the room. “You did this because you think it will get you an Oscar? Are you stupid? But you don’t get it do you? You’re so caught up in your fantasy world of movies that you really don’t understand what’s wrong. Everybody has something to hide, everybody says or does something that can be misconstrued or misinterpreted. And your documentary provided the authorities with enough incriminating evidence to put our friends in jail for years. You completely $@#&ed them over.’’
Fairhaven wiped blood from his mouth and felt for a loose tooth -- Josh threw a meaner punch than you would think. He rose from the floor and approached Josh. “Chill out, man. I told you it was an accident. You probably went over a bump or something.’’ (5)
“I swear to God, I’ll knock you on your ass if you don’t knock off that movie quote $@#& right now.’’
“There’s a plan, Joe,’’ Fairhaven said calmly, placing his hand on Josh’s shoulder. “There’s always a plan.’’ [6]
Josh slapped away the hand. “Plan? What are you talking about? It’s too late for a plan. Our friends are locked up. You gave the prosecutors all the evidence they need. We are completely and royally $@#&.’’
“This, this is nothing,’’ Fairhaven said, walking over to the bean bag chair and picking up his laptop. “During the filming of ‘The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse,’ three of the horsemen died two weeks before the ending of principle photography. This is nothing, this is nothing. This is... this is... this is act one: ‘The War.’” (7)
He ejected a DVD from his laptop, placed it in a DVD case and handed it to Josh.
Josh looked at it suspiciously, then slowly smiled as he read the title scrawled on the DVD case. “Big Brother: The Director’s Cut.’’
Next: Director’s Cut
Here are the movies Paul Fairhaven referenced in this chapter:
(1) The Dude in “The Big Lebowski’’
(2) Peter in “Office Space’’
(3) The caddy manager in “Caddyshack”
(4) Ed Wood in “Ed Wood’’
(5) Vincent in “Pulp Fiction’’
(6) Mr. Jordan in “Heaven Can Wait.’’
(7) Stanley Motss in “Wag the Dog’’
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