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Chapter 16: Spring Break
 By Jim Caple |
Previously at 24 College Avenue: The Red Devils basketball team has been snubbed from the national tournament, with a American University Sports Conglomerate investigator explaining only that it had something to do with freshman sensation Orion Winfield, the identical twin brother of 24 College Avenue housemate, Sirius Winfield. Meanwhile, a camera phone recently caught cheerleader Mandy Stevenson leaving a locker room after apparently having sex and posted the video on MyWeb for millions to see. . . .
Josh stopped heckling Barry Bonds when he noticed the photo in the newspaper the fan next to him was reading. The picture showed Toby the Tobacco Leaf smoking his traditional victory cigarette following Marlboro University’s tournament victory over the University of San Marco the previous night. The headline over the photo read “Warning: Surgeon General Determines Marlboro U Deadly To Brawlin’ Italian Title Hopes.’’ The win advanced the school to the Holy Trinity, the complicated round-robin weekend series that would determine the American University Sports Conglomerate national champion. If there was one sports figure who drove Josh nuts more than Barry, it was that damn Marlboro mascot.
“That should be Jenn celebrating the big win,’’ he said, drinking the last of his Red Hook. “Damn. That should be us going to the Holy Trinity.’’
“I know, I know,’’ Steve Hamilton said, squinting into his camera viewfinder. He lowered the camera and spun back to face his housemate. “I still can’t believe we didn’t get into the tournament. But what I really can’t get over is that Sirius and Orion Winfield aren’t identical brothers – they’re the same person. We had the best player in the country living under our roof and we didn’t even know it.’’
The news had rocked the sports world. Orion Winfield, the freshman many hoped would be the best player in State College history, had a split personality. Sometime he was Orion, the brash, electrifying basketball star. And in an instant he could turn into Sirius, his dysfunctionally insecure “identical brother’’ who lived at 24 College Avenue. Sirius was so painfully shy that the other residents barely noticed when he was in the house let alone that he wasn’t there at least half the nights. And Red Devils coach Jimmy Medici was too busy counting on Orion’s play to get him to the championship game to bother seeking professional help for his extreme mood swings.
Fortunately for Orion, and unfortunately for the basketball program, AUSC investigators found out about the schizophrenia in a string of emails accidentally forwarded to them by Medici’s secretary. The AUS insisted Winfield be treated immediately and also banned the school from the tournament despite its Top 10 ranking. State College athletic director Hudson Bay suspended Medici indefinitely pending a thorough investigation of who knew what and when. The coach’s last act before the suspension was firing his secretary.
When the Red Devils didn’t make the national tournament despite a Top 10 ranking, everyone at the house lost interest in it. They didn’t even fill out brackets, becoming perhaps the first college students to fail to do so since tight basketball shorts were in style. Instead, Josh suggested he, Steve and Paul Fairhaven drive down to spring training for spring break and everyone was just drunk enough to agree even though A, they would have to max out their credit cards to fund the trip and B, none of the three owned a car. They overcame both obstacles, however, when Edison Murrow offered to drive and pay for two rooms. The incredible appeal of spring training – sun, beer, baseball and girls – overcame any reluctance the three had about spending several days with the loud, annoying 45-year-old computer geek going through a mid-life crisis.
A marathon 30-hour drive later, they were sprawled on the grass berm beyond the outfield at Tempe Diablo Stadium watching the Angels play the Giants in delicious 76-degree warmth.
“What the hell do you keep looking at through your zoom lens?’’ Josh asked.
Steve carefully rotated the lens and handed it to Josh. “Take a look for yourself.’’
John cupped his hands over the digital display to block out the sun’s glare and took a look. Much to his shock – and delight – he saw two women pulling up their tank tops to reveal their breasts.
“Oh. My. God.’’
“Apparently,’’ Steve said, “they’re filming an episode of ‘Females Behaving Indiscreetly’ for V-TV’s spring break series in the parking lot.’’
Murrow suddenly rose up from the grass. His bare chest and stomach were so badly burned that he looked like Chief Wahoo. He had been snoring the past three innings but like dogs that could hear higher frequencies than humans, his ears were specially attuned to pick up any references to sex. He grabbed the camera from Josh and took a look.
“Sweet Jesus,’’ he said. “Co-eds going wild. I’ve been waiting all school year to see that. Hell, I’ve been waiting for it since back when I was in college.’’ He scrambled to his feet and handed the camera back to Steve. “C’mon, let’s go.’’
Steve took the camera and turned to Josh. “Should we follow him?’’
“In a minute,’’ Josh said. “Let him get further ahead first. Even if they are Females Behaving Indiscreetly, we wouldn’t stand a chance with Murrow around. No one could cool off a Female Behaving Indiscreetly like a bald, 45-year-old computer programmer with a sun-burned beer belly.’’
Josh returned his attention to the newspaper story about Marlboro’s tournament victory.
“I’m just so pissed off that the Devils were banned from the tournament and placed on probation because Medici didn’t get a shrink for Orion? Is that really any of their business? Talk about Big Brother.’’
“That’s not it, Josh,’’ Steve replied. “They don’t give a @#&$ about that. They didn’t ban us because Medici didn’t get Orion treatment. They banned us because Winfield’s multiple personalities meant we had one too many players on scholarship.’’
# # #
Mandy Stevenson reached down and picked up her pet chihauhau and set it on the table. She reached over for the dessert plate and placed the tiramisu in front of him. “There you go, Tinkerbell,’’ she said. “Slurp it up, baby.’’
“I swear to God, Mandy,’’ Bonzi Bangor said. “That dog eats better than I do.’’
“That’s because he deserves to. Don’t you sweetums?’’ Mandy stroked the dog on the head. As the dog’s tiny tongue darted into the dessert, she rolled a sleeve of his Ralph Lauren sweater down his left front leg.
Bonzi snorted in disgust. He loved Mandy, he really did. And he had since the first day they met while she was practicing a new dance routine with the pep band almost two years earlier. Of course, that love had never been reciprocated. Cheerleaders didn’t date band geeks. As long as they remained good friends, however, Bonzi held out hope. But sometimes, he had to admit, she was a little much. He noticed that every other diner in the Olive Grove was staring at Mandy and Tinkerbell. He took a little pleasure in this, given that it also meant they were seeing him with Mandy.
Mandy held Tinkerbell up to her face and gave him a kiss on the lips. “Was that the best tiramisu ever? Was it?’’ she asked in baby talk. “Yes, it was. I can taste it on your lips.’’
Damn, Bonzi thought, what I wouldn’t give to trade places with that mangy mutt right now.
“Bonzi,’’ Mandy said, placing Tinkerbell in her carrying pouch. “Do you think they’ll fire Jimmy?’’
“For accidentally recruiting a player with a split personality? Are you kidding? No way. Bay just had to suspend him to send a message to the school that he won’t tolerate this sort of thing. Which of course he does tolerate. Bay tolerates anything that helps the program win Because as long as they win …’’
The waiter interrupted Bonzi to ask how everything was, then placed the bill on the table. Mandy slid it over to Bonzi without even a hesitation. He looked at the total and reached for his wallet. For crissakes, it was bad enough he always had to pay for Mandy’s meals. Paying for the dog’s dessert was too much. If Bonzi wasn’t so infatuated with Mandy, he would have told her what she could do with Tinkerbell. But, of course, he didn’t say anything.
“That isn’t what I meant., Bonzi,’’ Mandy said, hugging the dog to her face. “I know they won’t fire him for that silly Orion thing. I meant, will they fire him for the other thing?’’ She gave him a knowing look.
“Oh. The other thing,’’ Bonzi said, nodding slightly. “You mean, will they fire him because he had sex with a cheerleader.’’
There had been plenty of rumors in the blogosphere about who Mandy had evidently been having sex with before she stepped out of the locker room in the MyWeb video. Just about every male athlete on scholarship – and some of the women – had been mentioned. But to Bonzi’s disappointment, his name was never brought up in these rumors. No matter how often they were seen together, no matter that he had gotten her to move into the house just to increase his odds of a relationship developing, he wasn’t even considered a possibility. It was as if he was a eunuch. Naturally, he knew all along who Mandy had been with in the locker room, as well as exactly what they had done and how often. Mandy always told him right away with whom she was sleeping. He wasn’t sure whether she did it on purpose to drive him nuts or she just didn’t even consider how it might hurt his feelings. He didn’t know which would be worse.
“But they already know about that ‘other thing’ ,’’ he said. “You told me Bay decided to hush it up, slap Coach’s wrist and sweep it under the rug.’’
Mandy pulled on her cheerleader jacket, the familiar light crimson fleece that Bonzi so often fantasized seeing her unzip in front of his bed and reveal her naked body underneath. She stood up to go. “Well, that was before,’’ she said. “I don’t think they’ll be able to sweep it under the rug in about seven and a half months.’’’
“What do you mean?’’
“Sometimes you can be so dense, Bonzi,’’ Mandy said, prompting every head in the Olive Grove to turn her way as she stepped with almost a royal air to the door. “I mean, stupid, that I think I’m going to have Jimmy’s baby.’’
# # #
Josh kissed Carrie’s breasts, letting his tongue linger on her right nipple.
God, he thought, why the hell didn’t I go to spring break earlier?
He met Carrie at the Females Behaving Indiscreetly video shoot. Josh usually was too shy to approach a girl he didn’t know, especially a luscious blonde with jeans riding low enough on her hips to take his breath away. But Steve had his camera and when he started snapping photos and asking whether Carrie was a model (“You’re not? Well, you should be. I could do your portfolio.’’), she started flirting with Josh for some reason. He and she wound up back on Mill Avenue in Tempe drinking until late, then staggered back to the hotel room
“Mmmmmmmm,’’ Carrie moaned softly and Josh slipped his hand down, unzipped her fly and grabbed at her jeans. He slid them off nervously, then unzipped his own fly and wriggled out of his pants. His index finger was tugging the elastic waistband of her white cotton panties and her right hand was pressing his head down lower when he heard the door swing open and Fairhaven staggered in.
“I walked by Union Square Bar. I was going to go in,’’ the film student slurred. “Then I saw myself - my reflection in the window - and I thought, ‘I wonder who that bum is?’ And then I saw it was me. Now look at me. I’m a bum. Look at me! Look at you. You’re a bum. Look at you. And look at us. Look at us. C’mon, look at us! See? A couple of bums.”(1)
“No,’’ Josh said, resting his cheek on Carrie’s stomach. “This is not possible.’’
“What did you say?’’ Carrie said, raising her head from the pillow.
“Nothing,’’ Josh said. “I didn’t say anything.’’
Hoping that Fairhaven would see that Josh had brought a girl back from the bar and leave discreetly, Josh returned his attention to Carrie’s underwear. To his horror, Fairhaven stumbled to the edge of the bed, backed up against the mattress and unbuckled his pants. He unbuttoned his shirt and attempted to pull down his pants. He got them down as far as his ankles but could not figure out the rest. He reached down and pulled several times at one pant leg to no avail. He staggered briefly, raised his head and fell backward onto the bed, landing on top of Carrie and Josh.
“WHAT THE HELL?!?!’’ Carrie screamed, rolling out from under Fairhaven. She pulled up the sheet to cover her breasts. “WHO THE HELL IS THAT?!!”
“Just my housemate,’’ Josh said, pushing Fairhaven onto the floor with a thud. “He was just leaving.’’.
“Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world,’’ Fairhaven said, “she walks into mine.’’(2)
How was it possible that Fairhaven could be so drunk that he didn’t see the Do Not Disturb sign on the door handle -- their pre-arranged signal that someone had a girl in the room -- yet sober enough to continue quoting movie lines?
“Don’t bother,’’ Carrie said, grabbing her tank top and pants. “I’m leaving. I may be GGG but I draw the line at two guys at once.’’
“No, wait -- he’s drunk out of his mind . We just have to go somewhere else. Your room, maybe?’’
“No, I don't think I will kiss you, although you need kissing, badly,’’ Fairhaven said. “That’s what's wrong with you. You should be kissed and often, and by someone who knows how.’’(3)
“Forget it,’’ Carrie said, yanking up her pants. “You’re disgusting.’’ She ran her head through her blonde hair, pulled on her tanktop and rushed out the room. The door slammed with a resounding bang.
“We’ll always have Paris,’’ Fairhaven called after her before passing out.(4)
Josh was every bit as disgusted as Carrie had been. He hadn’t had sex the entire school year. His cross-Atlantic relationship with Magdalena had shrunk to a few random emails and text messages. He finally meets a drop-dead gorgeous girl at the bar, things are progressing nicely and then Fairhaven barges in and ruins everything. He glared at Fairhaven, whose body was almost lifeless except for the slight rise and fall of his chest as he slept. Disgusted, Josh shoved Fairhaven to the edge of the bed and crawled into the other side.
He heard Fairhaven mumble something about pillows then begin to snore.
“Those aren’t pillows,’’ Josh said. (5)
Next: Mea Culpa
Here are the movies Fairhaven was referencing in this chapter:
(1)Joe Clay (Jack Lemmon) in “Days of Wine and Roses’’
(2) Rick (Humphrey Bogart) in “Casablanca’’
(3) Rhett Butler (Clark Gable) in “Gone With the Wind’’
(4) Rick (Humphrey Bogart) in “Casablanca’’
(5) Neil (Steve Martin) in “Planes, Trains and Automobiles’’
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